| An unhappy marriage can make parenting - and life in | | | | each other, that they don't have to take sides, and that |
| general - stressful. The loss of the family structure can | | | | you're both still there for them. |
| be very upsetting and distressing for everyone | | | | - Think about the sort of questions your children are |
| involved in this major change. | | | | likely to ask. �Will we still see you and spend |
| Despite divorce being on the increase around the | | | | time with you?' �Who will take us to football |
| world, parents often feel at a loss when searching for | | | | training?' �Who will we live with and where |
| practical support. They also feel overwhelmed, | | | | will we live?' �Will we have to change |
| confused, afraid, resentful, or completely frozen in | | | | school?' �Will we still see Grandma?' You |
| panic about how to handle the changes in their family's | | | | need to explain that at the moment you don't have all |
| way of life. | | | | the answers but reassure them that you'll have more |
| Sometimes this fear manifests itself as animosity, | | | | clarity and answers soon and they don't need to |
| which turns the whole divorce process into a battle, | | | | worry. |
| with children trapped in the middle and feeling | | | | From your child's perspective |
| powerless. | | | | I ask parents to place a piece of paper on the floor, |
| Divorce needn't be like this. Parents can make positive, | | | | step onto it, and imagine they're looking at the situation |
| healthy choices during this very emotional time and | | | | from the eyes of their child. I then ask them to answer |
| make the transition less painful for everyone. | | | | the following questions as if they were their child: |
| Divorce isn't about losers and winners. It's about | | | | - What do you see and hear around you at the |
| working out a way to handle the separation with | | | | moment? - How do you feel? |
| dignity and compassion and minimising the disruption to | | | | How could Mum and Dad make you feel better? |
| your children emotionally. This article offers numerous | | | | What could they do or say? |
| approaches and strategies for making the experience | | | | Reassurances and guarantees |
| of divorce as positive and healthy as possible. | | | | I ask parents to write seven reassurances and |
| Presenting a united front: Telling the kids | | | | guarantees that they can honestly give to their child in |
| I've worked with many parents going through divorce | | | | a graphic wheel. The reassurances and guarantees |
| and one of the main worries is how to tell their children | | | | are things that will help their child cope with the |
| about what is going to happen and what to actually | | | | enormous changes that are coming. |
| say to them. | | | | Be honest � don't hedge around the |
| Children naturally fear that they'll lose one of their | | | | difficulties. Don't give false promises that you can't |
| parents in divorce or that their parents will abandon | | | | keep because you destroy their confidence and belief |
| them. They also fear the changes and disruptions that | | | | in you at a critical time in your relationship. Give them |
| divorce inevitably brings to their family. Children often | | | | information but not too much � give details of |
| blame themselves. | | | | things in the not-too-distant future. |
| When a marriage becomes troubled, a couple often | | | | Working together |
| relies on old habits of interacting, which lead to fights | | | | I also help divorcing parents develop some |
| rather than solutions. If those old habits didn't lead to | | | | co-parenting strategies. For example: |
| constructive solutions during the marriage, they'll surely | | | | - Plan and agree on what both parents will say before |
| reap no better results during the divorce. You may not | | | | they talk to their children. This helps to avoid mixed |
| have been a united front while married, but you and | | | | messages, which can confuse and really distress |
| your partner must take this opportunity � for | | | | children. |
| the good of your children � to work together. | | | | - Look at the benefits of telling the children together or |
| The following sections cover various activities I lead | | | | individually. |
| parents through to help them and their children cope | | | | - Work on overcoming the �blame' mentally |
| with divorce. | | | | and the feeling that the divorce must be someone's |
| Critical question | | | | fault. - Look for ways to avoid making children feel |
| One of the let things I ask parents to do is to work out | | | | that they must take sides. |
| together the answer to this critical question: What are | | | | - Try to take the emotional charge out of telling the |
| the key messages you want to convey to your | | | | children |
| children? Consider: | | | | - Help each parent gain more control over his or her |
| - Your child's need to feel reassured that you will both | | | | distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult |
| always be his parents and be there to support, nurture, | | | | moment. |
| guide, and love him. | | | | I think it's helpful to remember that divorce changes |
| - Your child's need to express himself and his feelings | | | | � but it does not end � a family. |
| � this may include silence,anger, denial, | | | | Your children are now members of two unique and |
| bravado, or pleading. | | | | individual families with all the positive experiences that |
| - You need to weigh up whether each parent tells | | | | this can also bring to their lives. It's about your positive |
| each child separately, or all together. If you can | | | | and confident handling of the situation that will make all |
| manage to speak to them together, this gives and | | | | the difference. |
| opportunity for them to see that you're not blaming | | | | |