| A few months ago, a friend called to ask if I'd like to | | | | of 120kg neanderthals performing surfboard proctology |
| join her on a surfing lesson at Manly Beach in Sydney. | | | | on anyone who accidentally took their wave, ensured |
| Giving thought to my answer, two images flashed to | | | | the closest I came to the thrills of surfing was through |
| mind. My thirty-nine year old battle weary body, | | | | the eyes of a six o'clock sports news camera.After |
| attempting to hang five with a gaggle of bewildered | | | | the lesson I realised how irrational these fears had |
| foreign backpackers and pointing school kids. And | | | | been. I'd seen dozens of board riders emerge from the |
| more vividly, the look on the faces of my settled | | | | sea every day. They all still had their torsos, and very |
| couple and married-with-kids friends if they knew I | | | | few walked as if they had a surfboard stuck in their |
| was even considering the idea.Having recently broken | | | | backsides. Never again would I allow an issue outside |
| out of Sydney's Lower North Shore maximum | | | | of my control to prevent me from living out my surfing |
| suburbia and moved to fun-filled Manly beach, I had | | | | dream!Which meant I'd need a more tangible fear. It |
| already become a prime suspect in their case against | | | | came to me just after the smirking surf shop grommet |
| dirty-thirties attempting to recapture lost youth. It wasn't | | | | had taken my money and watched me leave with |
| that I'd been caught driving a red convertible sports car | | | | eight feet of fiberglass, a rubber suit, two packets of |
| or acting suspiciously outside Botox clinics. However, I | | | | golden tan bikini girl board wax, and his sunglasses |
| had been hauled into Fresco painted living rooms and | | | | stand wrapped in my leg rope. Maybe my sensible |
| interrogated under the glare of designer mood lighting | | | | friends were right after all? Perhaps I was pathetically |
| over alleged mixed touch football games on | | | | holding on to a long lost youth?Coyly making my way |
| weekends, bar hopping on school nights, and clubbing | | | | down the beach, I felt the stares of sunbakers boring |
| on any night, sternly warned that such activities were | | | | into me, knowing exactly what they were thinking. A |
| not something a self-respecting man of my age should | | | | voice came over the lifesaver club speakers. No-one |
| be involved in."Sure, count me in" I replied. Breaking the | | | | ever understands those announcements, but I heard it |
| news to the fun police couldn't be any more | | | | clearly, "You, the thirty-nine year old guy in the |
| embarrassing than having to answer the question | | | | hysterically fitted wetsuit. Act your age. Put down the |
| asked of every male living in a beachside suburb, "So | | | | surfboard and move back between the flags. Nice and |
| do you surf?" with a mumbled reply about body | | | | slow." Just as I thought the game was up, I took one |
| bashing in a pair of flippers. Besides, one lesson was | | | | last look at the lapping water and realised I'd come to |
| hardly a commitment. It was like a speed date. I'd hook | | | | far to stop now. Mustering every ounce of courage in |
| up with a few boards, share some laughs, make a fool | | | | my entertaining frame, I clutched my board like a |
| of myself, and never be seen again.The day arrived, | | | | swagman with his tucker-bag and yelled, "You'll never |
| and everything seemed to be was going to plan. | | | | catch me alive", crashing into the sea, leaving the world |
| Paddle out, thrash about like a puppet on | | | | of epochlitically correct troopers in my wake.I've been |
| amphetamines, catch a wave, attempt to stand shakily, | | | | honing my paltry surfing skills for a while now and still |
| fall off comically, try to laugh at ones self louder than | | | | find myself upside down more often than not, but it |
| at those around you, and start again. At this rate, I'd be | | | | doesn't matter. As any golf hacker will tell you, one |
| back in the safety of the pub in no time, telling those | | | | sweet drive down the middle of a long straight fairway |
| who asked, "Yeah, I used to surf until I wiped out on a | | | | redeems 99 slices into the car park and dribbles off |
| submerged German and did my back in."Then the | | | | the end of the tee. Just give me one smooth ride on a |
| most bizarre thing happened. After landing one | | | | glistening blue satin-sheet wave, overflowing |
| particularly kind wave and staggering to my feet, the | | | | champagne froth in my wake, and not a backpacker |
| regulation left hook that had sent me crashing to the | | | | to be seen between my board and the beach, and this |
| canvas all day never arrived. I was still standing, surfing | | | | middle-aged delinquent will always be back for more. |
| right over the top of the remaining backpackers, while | | | | Because the only thing that scares me these days is |
| the school kids didn't even register a bump!There was | | | | imagining what life would be like if I'd never become a |
| no denying my giant esky lid was about the size of the | | | | surfer dude.Four things every late starter should know |
| QEII, and would have remained stable with an entire | | | | about surfing:1.Physiological studies have demonstrated |
| Central African government onboard, however, gliding | | | | that surfing is an excellent form of exercise. An |
| across water with the sun on my face, salt on my lips, | | | | aerobic fitness study at Deakin University found that |
| and sand in my shorts left me exhilarated in a way no | | | | competitive surfers rate comparable to Nordic skiers |
| Sunday night happy hour ever had. By the end of the | | | | and distance runners, whilst my study found it reduced |
| lesson I knew that somewhere in a surf shop out | | | | budding man-boobs and wobbly love handles.2.Male |
| there, a shapely piece of fibreglass was calling my | | | | surfers have licence to stand at the back of the |
| name.From an early age, I'd always loved Sydney | | | | beach and ogle women for at least fifteen minutes |
| beaches. Face-planting on a sandbank after catching a | | | | longer than other men before being arrested, provided |
| 'dumpa'; having to "do a runner" across the scorching | | | | they at least pretend to be studying the swells in the |
| hot sand until we found a place to drop our towels; | | | | water too. Female surfers have no additional ogling |
| waiting ravenously in the shop line for a chocolate | | | | rights over other women because men only wish they |
| Paddle Pop and a pie n' sauce with the sensation of | | | | all did it more often.3.It is worth investing in a good |
| course damp sand under my feet, and scent of salt | | | | quality wetsuit. In addition to their heating benefits, they |
| caking bodies under my nose; the golden tanned girls | | | | evenly distribute excess body lard throughout the |
| who, well, just walked around being golden tanned girls. | | | | rubber skin.4.No matter what your mates tell you, a |
| My transcendental surfing lesson aboard the HMAS | | | | wetsuit should be worn with the zipper at the back. I |
| Polystyrene left me wondering, "Why didn't I try this | | | | promise.Best places to learn to surf in Sydney:Manly |
| years ago?"Amongst a list of very lame excuses, only | | | | Surf School Offers classes at four of Sydney's |
| one seemed to have any validity. Fear. As a teenager | | | | northern beaches daily throughout the year.Bondi Surf |
| without a car, it had been less frightening to stand in | | | | School - Lets Go Surfing Offers classes at Sydney's |
| the local nets and watch cricket balls fly towards my | | | | most famous beach throughout the year.Simon Hillier |
| face, or attempt, and often fail, to jump BMX bikes | | | | runs Get There, a freelance writing service based in |
| over 5ft ditches, than let golden tanned girls see me | | | | Sydney, AustraliaIn a career spanning 18 years, Simon |
| hanging out at the beach with mum and dad.In my | | | | has worked in advertising, television production, travel, |
| twenties, I was building a career, travelling the world, | | | | sales and marketing, and e-commerce. In 2005, during |
| and discovering that there was more to a female's | | | | a rare moment of clarity, if not sanity, Simon leapt from |
| beauty than the shade of her tan. By this time my | | | | the relative safety of his office cubicle, into the murky |
| parents were permitted to accompany me in public, | | | | waters of freelance writing, where he now specializes |
| however, the thought of prehistoric man-eaters licking | | | | in feature articles, travel writing, copywriting, web |
| their lips underneath my bobbing sea biscuit, and tales | | | | content, ebooks and scriptwriting. |